"garden state"

aka: ditry jerz-ee
whatever you want to call it... pausing momentarily to get some mad boating action on... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand she's back.
tonight was so totally random... can't get over it. now think back to last weekend... the nyc guys. so as i vaguely remember, my greeting of choice for last saturday was hello *make-out* well there was one boy whose number i got and called that night from jill's phone... mine was dead. so hadn't called him since. he interne only had jill's number not mine (why didn't i leave it in the vm from jill's phone? don't ask such hard questions. i am a simple people.) which he's been calling and leaving random vms all week... (i've heard it's like some kid from the movie "swingers" but i've led a sheltered life and missed out on the viewing of said movie)
we're now up to almost one week of no reciprocal contact and he leaves another vm on jb's phone inviting us to a party in point pleasant... my mind thinks --> adventure! so i'm all, "yeah! sounds awesome!" to jb and she's all like... "um, idunno... pt. pleasant!? but like, it's so faaaaar..." (please excuse the valley-girl banter, this is just the kinda mood i'm in.)
long story short (actually no, it runs on for quite a long time after this…) we go. get down there and follow the directions. they were either gonna be at some bar/club type place that i had honestly never heard of (believe it or not, this is the first time i’ve gone out at the jersey shore) or his friend’s house for a party to continue after the bar. let me note that it is about 1:15ish am (but come to think of it, my car clock isn’t really right so this is a rough estimate) and i call him, he’s at the bar. ok, so we park, no prob and he’s meeting me outside. kinda worried because i only met this kid last week and i was wasted… not too sure what he looked like. hoped to god that he was cute, or at least not totally hideous. and whhhhhaaaaaaooooowww was he hot. 6’7", dark brown hair, 6’7", a little scruffy, 6’7", wearing a hugable sweater, 6’7"… (seriously… after everything’s said and done… i might return a phone call of his…)
so this bar um… jenkinson’s, is literally right on the boardwalk. the ocean (with full moon lighting) beautiful. but this was your stereotypical dirty jerz kinda place. think back to a song called "barbie girl" fondly known as the second most annoying tune on the planet (it came in close behind lambchop’s playalong’s "the song that never ends"). well, z100 (a nyc station) did a remake and called it jersey girl. now if you’ve never had the opportunity to hear such a fine piece of pop culture then take a minute and hit up your itunes and get some dl action on that. i don’t know if there was ever a music video made for the spoof it would have been set in this bar.
here’s where i should probably mention that we had jill’s cousin from seattle come with us. this poor kid got more than he expected from his quintessential garden state experience. the shoes, the tops, the hair, the bags, and the ass shaking was the most random totally jerz thing to see on a friday night.
the whole jerz experience culminated in the soundtrack. the gang piles in and john, after a minute, inquires about the tunes... i'm seriously searching for some south jersey radio stations and came up empty handed. so i skip over to cd... and what was the only cd in my entire jeep? "garden state"
so we get to the friend’s house. now get this, we leave 10 mins before the bar closes so we can beat the crowd, sounds like a smart plan but……….. we also beat the people who own the house, home… no prob, this john kid has a key. ok, they are his closest friends. ish? and we’re sittin in the living room drinkin s’more beers and all. got a mini tour. now jill’s cousin goes to use the bathroom and the toilet’s overflowing… so he kindly passes this info on to our temporary host (who also keeps claiming that more people are coming in like, 10 minutes!) john excuses himself politely then proceeds to mop up the water with any towel he can find. while he’s in the back depths of the beach house, of course his friends’s come home. home to see what? yes, three total strangers sitting in their living room drinking beers and laughing hysterically about the randomenss of the night even at this point. they all introduce themselves, very polite young men. then some reconvene in the kitchen and one comes out to kindly ask, figuring we were friends of friends… so who the fuck did we know!? john, the guy cleaning up your plumbing problem. john, the guy who proceeded to ignore me the entire night until i got fed up with it and asked jill’s cousin’s opinion. it truly does help to have a guy’s opinion on the situation. he said, he’s shy. so i tried to make eye contact. no luck… he was just staring off into space. so i plopped myself down on the oversized ottoman next to him and… turns out he was just a little shy….
ok so jb said we were leaving in 20 minutes, because jill and her cousin were hosting a lunch at 10:30am in jill’s apt and needed to get up way early… so everything’s in line for us to head out… i said my good-byes, jill had just said hers and then the door slams… oh well whatever. this night was so random anyway what did it matter if they slammed the door.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand so we leave. however, the door slam was ruled accidental on a trip to find a rest room at 3:45 am in pt pleasant in the end of november! i had to pee like a motherfucker. and not just any motherfucker, a laura cronin/megan gilbert muthafuckahhhhh screech! ms. self proclaimed bladder of steel had had two beer and two shots to many to not have already broken the seal. we spot a wawa! yeeay i can get chips, soda, aaaaaaaaaaaand pee here! heaven...
nope... no public rest rooms. "well fuck, i'm not gonna buy my chips and soda here if they won't let me pee!"
ps- for those of you confused a wawa is the south jersey equivalent to a seven eleven, quick check, sheetz, unimart... kinda deal
ok so we make a left out of the parking lot. where this left was about to lead us... know idea!
along the trip up this left turn road which had appeared to be getting more and more commercial... like the main drag kinda deal.
speaking of.. quick pause to resume boating-------aaaaaaaaaand she's back. so along this road we spot a seven eleven! fan-freakin-tastic! civilization has been spotted! there's a woman outside sweeping, she opens the door for us as we pile on in. we thanked her profusely. jb and i were really trying to butter this one up. if there was no public one, maybe she would understand a fellow woman's need to have to pee really really badly! no dice. this ice queen bitch said no almost with a smile on her face. we were going to be paying customers, afterall what's wrong with a little customer service?! nada. zip. zero. zilch. she wouldn't even tell us which way to get to the damn parkway!
the gang piled back into pépe le jeep and headed to what we could only hope was the right way to the parkway. just at the intersection jill yells out, "shell station, dead ahead!" i looked ahead and there was a closed exxon station... what was dead ahead to jill was quickly becoming way behind to me... so i pulled a good old fashioned u-ie and swung back into that gas station with an open snack shop and a bathroom. halelughia!!! the piss poor selection of herrs brand products (note, doritos are a branch of frito-lay) was heavily offset for the fact that i got to piss. all was well with the world once again. pringles cheezums (which, by the way, i def housed tonight) & diet pepsi was all i needed for the ride home. one more u-ie later at the parkway entrance and we were good to go! home safe and sound in 47 minutes.
ps- jill's cousin from seattle is awesome... although i've already forgotten his name. shit. matt? rob? no... damnit!

morning after

woke up this morning with the room spinning, my mom calling, nausea from looking at the empty bag of doritos next to my bed, extreme foot pain from hauling ass in three inch heels last night, and a bar wrist band i've been picking at... but i don't know from what bar-wait, could be lotus... vague memories of that.
texted jb... she set a fuckin record... can't get over it.
off to joe canals to buy a case of champagne for the rents who are coming over for breakfast in t-1.25hrs. maybe i should go do the shower and clothes thing this am....
un-fuckin-believable!

nyc

just got in from a crazy night in "the city" with little val and jb... ps-left jb there b4 val aand i drove home... craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy.
got chased around the block by a straight hair stylist (ps- didn't know they existed) jumped in val's car with a boy that i got his card from's friend... and drove 15 miles out of the ride home... there's more byut i can't seem to remember it right now... que loco!

the docta part 2- kill me

jb-am i dead yet
jb-cause if i'm not.....
jb-KILL ME!
alm-will do, can i wait til morning?
jb-def... as long as i can read the blog first!
alm-you got it!
so before we even got to palmer square we had a "where are you" phone call. we were meeting him at 10:30 and it was 10:35... seriously we're girls, we're gonna be at least five minutes late. so jb doesn't answer and we arrive 45 seconds later. so lets just start out by noting that the double date was only double on the female side. no honest matt... just the "docta" and his freakishly irritating personality!
convo was sports for the first ten or so… cool, at least that’s what these two have in common. (seriously, as i mentioned before this girl is sports obsessed in a recent im from her, "i think i'm on eof hte only girls on teh planet to ever tell a guy to stop kissing her cause it's fourth down!" and i know she’s not lyin.) then convo veers slightly towards something jb and i have in common (binding techniques… trust me this is interesting on some level). and building specifications are mentioned… which are basically mini books telling contractors how to build a building. jokingly we say "like anyone ever reads them," and the docta chimes in with a "well they’re probably all men and know how to build a building anyway." awkward pause as jb and i give each other a look to see if the other is hallucinating the same thing. "yeah i know that was a sexist comment, but it’s true!" awkward pause continues.
there are many awkward breaks in conversation as he mentions all the things we hate. his love for the dallas cowboys, his republican-ness, his insulting jersey girls and then us mentioning that we were both born and raised in this fine state, not to mention the fact that we know he’s lying about his profession. however without his oversized wingman there’s no hand off possible! so everyone lost on the pool for when jb would use the line "sorry, i don’t date doctas!" a tear and a moment of silence. it woulda been an awesome line…
it’s been a 13 hr work day and a 1hr dinner/bad date-ish kinda. this was worse than the big-bird episode and jb just noticed, they’re both named josh! a coincidence? i think not! no more joshes for us. so the 3.5" heeled boots, off. my tight jeans, off. signing off… to bed.

the docta! (part one)

what i’m about to type is not simply based on a true story, this is the true story. the names have not been changed to protect anyone. fuck the innocent. so here’s the deal:
in the midst of a night of debauchery at the ivy, good ole jill met these two boys. one being tall, and according to her having “a cute dumb jock” look about him and he was the defensive line coach and the other was short but in conversation he mentioned he was the princeton football team doctor. the short one seemed a bit more aggressive (can we say napoleonic complex!?) and offered her free tickets. jill knows more about sports than any girl on the planet! which i find helpful in very many boy related situations... back to the topic at hand. so she’s on cloud nine talking to a coach and the trainer. meanwhile, the docta offered us free tickets to games! (now jill and i both come from big sports schools so tickets are hard to come by and pricey)
wow, we really need to keep in touch with these kids and work the free ticket angle! so it works and jill and val (i was out of town...) go to a game one saturday. looking at the tickets left for them at the gate jb notices a $5 price stamped on them... wow, now these are people with connections... a whole ten dollars?! how can princeton spare it?! anyhoo, they were free to us, so that was cool. we all meet up that night back at the ivy when apparently the docta is trying to set me up with the dumb jock looking guy. let me tell you, jocks are not my type.
so i’m chattin with him, and he’s quite polite with a hint of intelligence one can see through many layers of football training and severe blows to the head. and he asks if josh is still the docta... hmm, that’s a little odd. did he loose his license after the game? what the hell! so i reply with a quizzical “yes...” and he says, “promise not to tell your friend?” (seriously now, that’s dumb mistake #2, you should be able to pick out #1 on your own.) so i yessed him to death saying i wouldn’t tell jill anything... (c’mon, i’m a girl! we tell each other everything) it turns out that docta josh isn’t a docta at all! he’s one of the defensive coaches. and in response to my why did he say he was a docta?? honest matt says “because chicks like doctas!”
so immediately jb and i b-line for the girl’s room (in a pair, like we do) and i spill the beans. the night comes to a close. jb’s still playing along with the docta charade because we find this amusing. yet along the way we managed to switch. i did the pass off with the tall coach and met up with someone from the list for the afterparty. but jb misses out on the chance to get honest matt’s number...
boys, really now, we’re not dumb creatures. facts can be checked. so here are some facts about “honest matt” and “the docta.” so jb likes matt and he’s still a good ticket hook-up, but in order to get matt’s number we’re going to have to go through the docta. so tonight is the set-up for the biggest hand off yet... a stunt of epic proportions! ok, so not really but... they’re roommates, and we have to double date them until we can get matt to give jill her number.
i need tequila in large quantities for this to work. shots are at 10. the set-up is 10:30 at winberrie’s. the chaos lasts all night long. my time in the pool is 10:55 for when jill uses the line... “i’m sorry, i don’t date doctas!”